Caught by your silence,
a lump stopped in my throat...
I was stifling.
Didn't want to open my eyes,
because the dream,
you pointed at my temple,
oh, how wonderful it was...
You pulled the trigger...
The lump in throat it's all that left...

***

Why do I fix my attention on dreams? What role do they play in our lives?
Until recently the people of the contemporary society disregarded the importance of this part of the human mentality, thus depriving themselves from the link with the self-knowledge. This attitude is changing now and more and more people aim at mastering this source of understanding of the inner "self". Dreams are information from the unconscious, they carry the implicit wisdom of the subconsciousness.
Do you believe these things?
I guess not. I did not either. While striving to prove that all this is nonsense, just the opposite happened. My experiment proved that everything written and reflected in John Kehoe's book about dreams is not only absolutely true, but it is also easily applicable and exceptionally important for us. At least this is what I reckon. I would not have persuaded you to this, I just present you a dream simply in the way I wrote it down almost two years ago and the events that followed. I leave the rest to your own judgment...

Dream XI - August 13
Title: "Niki..."
Stairs. Metal stairs. It is dark around us but the stairs are somehow illuminated. It is Niki and I. We are carrying something with us and are trying to escape from chasers. The thing, that we are carrying, is important. And we both know that. We are running only upwards. Niki lags behind but keeps following me. We stop on one metal platform. I check the thing that we are carrying. It is in my sock. A little envelope with white powder. We sense that the chasers are close. We keep going upwards. More and more upwards. We reach the destination and deliver the consignment. We know that we have escaped from the chasers. A complete tranquility seizes me...
Interpretation: I do not want even to think about it...I carry death...but why do I feel so tranquil then? I exclude the dream from my consciousness... I forget it...I want to forget it...

***

I have started my new job about a month ago. What was happening corresponded to what was written in the book. But both the title of the dream and the dream itself were weird: "..Things are identical" - just what a title? And the dream itself - that I am a woman?... I walk down a corridor and I see hanging signs. I reach my hand and change them. I do not know why I am changing them after they are all without inscription... and on top of all it is repeating. What does my subconsciousness want to tell me?...
Then, while I was talking with the ladies from the community center (God bless them for lending me twenty dough), suddenly it flashed through my mind. But yes - that's it! I change empty signs, because they have no content - that is, this change doesn't lead to anything. What did I change? A job where I thought I would earn money but I did not, with another one. The change has been absolutely meaningless. I have just shifted an empty one with another empty one. I have ploughed the sands...out of the frying pan into the fire...Well what was happening corresponded to the dream. I was working already for a month, and when I asked for an advance (at that time I had not eaten for three days) my boss gave me only 20 leva. Frankly ridiculous. Well, only for the logo that I made for her I would have asked for at least 60. And she gave them so reluctantly as if she was giving me 2000 not 20. When I think about it - things are going that way - I would be left high and dry. The mobile phone that she gave me is an "old hat", it works only when charging, not always at that. But I pawned mine... And I ate it up...You can imagine what did I eat for a whole month with the sum of 50 leva that I received for my phone - can a man get along with that. Never mind - at least I have some kind of phone...
- Hello? Ive, is that you?
- Hi, Kalinche. How are you?
- I am calling to tell you something bad. Niki had a recurrence...- I heard how she broke in tears...
- But...He was all right, wasn't he...He was on a holiday.
- Yes. - the sobbing intensified. - At the regular examination ten days ago, all of his indicators were excellent...And now! Doctors said that this is a third recurrence and ...I will call you back later...
I was dumbfounded. I felt I was still holding the receiver to my ear. But they had said he was cured. Even prof. Bobev said we could stop all medicines... Oh, no! That dream! No!...
I had to make money from somewhere by Friday. Kalina called and said that they have taken him to the hospital again. I had to go. To support them. In order for them to believe again. Most of all Niki.
I started searching for old visit cards, to make phone calls...Damned be my boss - there are no impulses in the card...To buy one "Bulphone" card...Five leva. Fortunately I still had 16 leva left from the money the ladies from the community center had given to me. I was dialing like a madman...Finally... Eurasia wanted a meeting. They have had an urgent order...
They ordered. Both visit cards and labels. They gave an advance as well.
...He behaved like a man. I could see that it was not easy for him, although he was smiling. But who will find it easy to get into a hospital again after he had spent four months there. I was sitting near his bed and wanted to give him my soul in order to get better. He was only sixteen after all. Kalina had just left. The silence of the midnight hospital was lying heavily. It was almost crushing over me. I brought a print-out of the book. I hope he will read it. It helped me to get hold of myself... I hope...
The next week was endless. But at least I started the circulation... Everything is all right. Toni met me at the bus station:
- Things are not good at all. This time he may not survive...
Nonsense. He is my son after all! Of course he will survive. So much time, pain, torment - and he managed to go through it, now of all times? But he should have warn me about what I am going to see. When I saw him I felt weak in my knees. It was...horrible. I gulped the fear and the horror. I smiled.
- Hi, Niki. How are you?
Why did I ask? Part of his face was swollen and shapeless. His eye was closed - obviously he couldn't see with it. In spite of everything he was trying to smile. This Friday night, Saturday and Sunday were nightmarish. On Friday night his other eye also closed. I prayed, cried, screamed inside myself the whole night. On Sunday the tumefaction started subsiding. One of his eyes opened. Before I left the other eye started opening as well.

***

Cold drips from beneath the eyelids
of  bitter blue needles...
A cross, God, your cross
and your pain shine...
The blood - the blue blood, flows down
from the gray emptiness
of our bewitched consciences.
Embers under our feet burn the eyes with cold.
Cold over the sheets...
Blue and cold.
You light up my soul, God,
to forgive,
the mistakes to forgive - mine,
to forget the delusions, lit
by the blue bluisch sheets,
burning-hot with cold.
Cold, God, cold in the soul.
Cold, God, cold in the flesh.
Cold, God, cold in the heart.
And the warmth of the grave.
Embrace me in your shine
and make my life purged,
make the evil forget me,
make me just dust
spread in the blue desolation
of silent eyelids.
I love, God, oh, how I love
to die in my life, to die...

***

- Are you going to pay me or not? - the conversation was taking place in the room, alleged to be the office of her firm. A second month is passing and you gave me just twenty leva.
- Give me my mobile phone.
- When I get my money I will give it back to you. - I became furious. Not only she did not pay me, not only I was working for her with my computer, but also...But - damn her.
It was September 22 at noon. I gathered my equipment and took it down to the basement of the community center. I had given her the mobile phone back. I went to the nearest shop and bought a new one. They would switch it on in 24 hours. It's not a problem. Kalina said Niki was feeling better. The tumefaction had subsided completely. God bless Eurasia company. It was with their money that I paid. Now I had only to take the visit cards and bring them to Marian to cut them in the printing house...
I was carrying the package with the visit cards. It was heavy. It was around four o'clock. I was walking down the "Tzarigradsko" road and was trying to catch a taxi. One stopped, I throw the visit cards on the back seat and sat at the front. - Drive to "Poligraphsnab" - opposite the KAT - I will give you more directions when we get there. Thoughts came over me. I had to give the visit cards and to rush right away to the bus station in order to catch the bus at six o'clock. I would be in the hospital by midnight. My mobile phone wasn't switched on an hour ago. I decided to try again.
- Hello?
- Ive?
- Yes, what is going on?
- Sorry...I am sorry...Sorry...
- I...
- Niki died yesterday. We buried him today at three...I am sorry...
...The sky blackened and collapsed over me...

***

I don't want to know whether you believe me. I don't know whether I am right. But I believe. Every time when you wrote down a dream, I am sure that your consciousness gives you a hint through it as to how to live, how to overcome your inhibitions and prejudice, shows you the hard future moments as well, so that you can take them over more easily. I do not know about you. I believe...